Tag Archives: Trousers

Unobtainium Pantaloons

A while ago, I purchased two pairs of 5.11 tactical pants for about 20 bucks each. As everyone knows, they are: Comfy, Bullet-proof, Flame retardant, Ooze sex-appeal, Wash themselves, Give you the prowess of a ninja master, Have built in sonar equipment, Act as BCDs while scuba diving, Have uranium-powered rockets in each leg, Have pockets that are bigger inside than outside like a TARDIS, Are spring-loaded to make you leap tall buildings in a single bound, Slice, Dice, Chop, play movies while making you into a tacticallistic killing machine, and are computer desk resistant. I swear, just read an internet forum, it is all true.

Long story short, I was moving a computer desk into a house yesterday and popped the inseam when I crouched down. I’m glad I didn’t shell out fifty clams like all the tactical groupies do. My wife is going to re-sew the seam. I should write the company to merge with Singer and have the pants self-mend. In all honesty, they are nice pants, just not fifty-bucks worth of nice.


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